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(no subject) [May. 2nd, 2011|02:49 pm]
Hi friend,

how are you doing? I hope you're doing well. I miss you.

love always.

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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2011|03:56 pm]
wthell people. Nooo one has updated in far too long. my friends page is blank!
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:( [Apr. 14th, 2011|03:38 pm]
i dont know why i always let myself believe
and ive lost count of all the times ive said im done.

so here we go again.

this time does feel like forever. or at least another 6 months. I'll be okay. Just like before, i was able to cry it out and pick myself up. I'll do it again. this time with words of wisdom i didnt have before. and the same shoulders that have been there for me in the past.

</3 that pain that runs straight to my bones is back. but i know it'll go away eventually. and i know some days are going to be empty. but not all of them :) little by little it will get better. fuck you. you arent my better half. you never have been.
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(no subject) [Mar. 11th, 2011|10:52 am]
japan :(


hope the world doesn't end soon.

bad shit happens all the time though, we'll see.

only time will tell.
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eehh [Mar. 7th, 2011|10:55 am]
i looked into islam because a) its always fascinated me and b) ween converted. but, its not for me.

in psych they taught me people often have an "opinion" about things they've never tried; say orange juice. if said person ever decided he will finally try orange juice he has two options
1) admit he was wrong and it turns out he actually DOES like orange juice
2) decide he was RIGHT and orange juice is disgusting.

i kinda feel like thats what happened to me. i already decided i didnt like established religion, i tried out a new one and decided: I dont like established religion.


I tried to make my views fit with it. It claims to be the perfect religion and the basics i really like/believe. but ive already believed in a God, and i already accepted that he should be worshipped/praised/loved....but i just dont think he is a strict demanding parent who wont love me if i dont do exactly as he instructs. Why would he? its like someone who says they're looking for all these specific characteristics in a romantic partner, and they end up falling in love with someone who doesnt fit the characteristics. hmm...maybe thats not the right analogy. I dont know.

I just dont think God created us to act like Zombies for him. Thats kind of how i see islam now. everyone must act in the same way or you wont go to heaven. God gave us free will. I'm a firm believer in choices.

Yes, 2+2 = 4 BUT

if the point is to get to 4, there are a lot of options.

And thats really where i stand. More than one religion can be the "correct" way to love God. I'm not saying you are wrong. I'm saying I'm not wrong either. Following YOUR beliefs may get you to heaven, but that doesn't mean mine wont.

The point is to be at peace with God, get there whichever way works for you.
You say I'M questioning God by not following the guidelines set by the bible or the Quran, but who are YOU to pass judgement on me. That's Gods role, not yours.
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love is my religion [Feb. 18th, 2011|05:33 pm]
oddly enough this has been the theme of February for me.

learn to love myself and see that if He doesn't want to be with me, it's not because of me, but because of him. for whatever reason i dont fit in his life. but im still me. and im still fabulous, ha.

I went into this "religion" thing when ween said he was converting to Islam, n i started thinking more about what i thought and i came to the conlcusion-loving god is important, and as long as you do whats best for you (without crossing boundaries and intentionally hurting other people)is whats right. Prayer and Meditation can tell you what God has planned for you, no one needs to dictate your life for you. God gave us free will for a reason.

I went to a store and bought MYSELF a valentines day present because I Love Me haha and got a candle that said "Love is my Religion"

Yesterday i went to a meeting with my mom to listen to a "life coach" who said Love is the answer. to just love EVERYTHING! love the world. love your enemies. love yourself. do NOT define yourself by your fears or wait to love yourself when you reach your goals. You are perfect as you are. And maybe what you are isn't perfect...but it doesn't matter, who is?!

so today i come to the conclusion

God is Love. And Love IS my Religion. and its all the same. :)
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(no subject) [Feb. 18th, 2011|03:19 pm]
at the office wishing time would speed up.

just breaattheee. theres a three day weekend.

i want to go to the beaacchh!
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today. [Feb. 14th, 2011|12:05 pm]
</3 fuck you.
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i believe... [Feb. 11th, 2011|10:23 am]
well i guess first of all i should say i do not believe in established religion.

Ween recently (though maybe not officially) converted to Islam. I have been fascinated by the religion since well..Naveeda. It's true. But i dont think its a bad thing. I recently visited a mandala meeting with my mom. at the end of the meeting we all had to say what we had learned. I didn't have anything to say...so i said something i thought everyone would like "I need to be more open minded" But you know, as the words escaped my lips, i realized i dont need to be more open minded, i already am. The "lesson of the day" was pretty much that we are put on this earth to learn. And i completely agree. and i love learning. i love cultures and languages and analyzing people. after ween and i broke up i really opened up my life to new ideas. I am willing to watch movies that dont initially interest me, play a video game, and im willing to give any band a shot once. i like listening to people's experiences and views.

once when ween and i broke up i read this book called somethin like " does this make my head look big"....

and to be continued. ....

i think i might write a book :)

even if its just for me haha.
okay im back.

So yeah
I dont like established religion because theyre so adamant on believing theyre right. But really, why does it matter? i guess thats what religion is for..to say "this is the right way to live your life" but fuck that noise. whats right for YOU may not be right for ME.

Christianity belives we should follow God's word based on the teachings if Jesus.
Islam believes we should follow God's word based on the teachings of Mohammed. The only (well BIGGEST) difference is the vector. Who cares about who said what? they basically say the same things. Arent mormons similar? But their vector is B. Young or something a long those lines?In fact, from what i know (which could be very wrong bc ive never looked into it) Judaism skips the vector and goes straight to the source. I think that's why i like the idea of Buddism and the asian (excuse the lack of political correctness in the term) religions. From what i understand, those religions and cultures focus on ME connecting with God through prayer/meditation.

Its not that i dont believe in Prophets. Maybe they were special and got to talk to god on a deeper level. But i cant say i agree with everything they say. How do i know they didnt make it up? How do i know they werent liars or schizophrenics. How do i know someone didnt write make a mistake in all the translations of their book. How do i know what was right for them is right for us now? The world has changed from the days those books were written.

Why are there no more prophets? why cant anyone today, with all the madness and evil in the world, why isnt there someone to guide us through this mess? I believe through prayer and/or meditation we can all get a glimpse of what is morally correct. Isnt that also one of the reasons for religion? so we all "behave" and go to heaven? Christians say if you dont believe in Christ and accept him in your heart youre going to hell. WHY? he's not God, why does it matter? Maybe the same thing doesnt go for Islam, but why do i have to believe Mohammed was THE final profet? it doesnt make sense that God would want his words spoken only in Arabic. Why arent his words for the world to hear AND understand?

I believe anyone can connect with God. I think most religions "believe" that too, thats why prayer is enforced in most of them. So the messenger isnt important. Thats what I think.

Ween said something along the lines of "God is so great, he should be worshipped and thanked for what he's given us" <- SUPER PARAPHRASED
I don't disagree. But is the form of worship as important and the act of worshipping? i dont think so. i mean...arent we taught "its the thought that counts?" so why arent a few simple words good enough? i do think we spend too much time wrapped up in our lives, i do think we should spend more time in worship. BUT God created the earth for us to inhabit and enjoy. there is so much good and beauty out there, we should admire it, and not waste our time being angry and hateful...and judging. instead we should learn from others.. from the world. Our world is changing and growing...and what better way to show we care than by protecting it..and learning from it?

gotta work. i'll be back.


so where was i? right. enjoy the world god created for us.

as for rules and regulations...according to islam (at least the ONE book i read, which is not the Koran so its possible its wrong, but it sounded good to me)the day of judgement..God doesn't really do the judging...your own soul judges the actions of your life. you burn yourself through your guilt..without the lies we tell ourselves to convince us our wrongdoings are justified. So then, God gave us a mind to make our own choices, no? we can live our lives how we see fit. No rules. Morals. Do whats right. thats all there is to it.

God is not man. He's not a giant person hanging out in space or heaven or some alternate universe. God is everywhere. God is in you and me and in the sun and moon and earth and sky. To ME, god is the energy that makes us be. not atoms and particles. the friction between them. he's what makes my heart beat, and the spark between the neurons. science tells me everything about atoms and protons and neutrons. one thing hits another, makes the ball start rolling..yadah yadah. but what about the empty space. Thats where MY god lives.

and you know what? I think the muslim women have it right about the headscarf, hijab? Yeah. Thats right. I think, if it werent a trademark of being muslim, i would do it. im not gonna lie, as a psych major part of it would be a social experiment- to see how the world reacts to me. but more than that...TO ME...i think itd be a matter of privacy and pride. I should be more than just what i look like. i should be completely happy with me. you should judge me on my actions and the words that come out of my mouth. not what im wearing or my hair. i think itd be nice to be able to wait until i care for someone enough to show them more of me. to share with them another part of me. i think it would make the relationship more intimate, cuz it covers more than just the hair, the custom of covering up really gives ambiguity to the shape and appearance of a woman.

and thats what i think.
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unfortunately [May. 1st, 2010|10:02 am]
he's like a drug.
he makes me happy.
he makes me want to dance and paint and sing...even if i suck at all of the above
he makes me forget. i feel calm when im with him. and a little more confident than when im not.
he makes me not want to smoke. not need to smoke.
he's all the drugs i need.

like a drug, when i dont get my fix, im sad or anxious or upset...but for other reasons. not for the drug...for the hurt it numbs. and so i wont tell him. it wont change what is.

he played a song for me. Spirals by Adem.
"You marked the back of my hand with a heart, and some tiny dots, and a spiral that together spell 'I want you.'"

i painted him a heart and a spiral and some tiny dots after a day we spent together. and i meant it. he made me super happy that day and that night. and the next day i realized he doesnt want to leave cuz of her...not cuz of me..and it hurt my heart. and i needed to smoke. i dont want to give it to him now. its not finished either. maybe ill finish it next time i fall for him again. but for now its hiding...ill decide may 14th whether he should have it or not.

what do you think?
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